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Archive for February, 2010

WEAKNESS

Sometimes I feel as if all the scratches left by the time has been rubbed. I am now a free, happy fully contented tranquil soul. But few days back, it so happened that I felt to tell everything to one of my friend. We are good friends but after his marriage limits appeared in our relationship. The time we used to spend together, our gossips, our roaming, everything condensed. Anyways every relationship changes with time and it is best to change ourselves accordingly. I don’t know what made me to share everything with him and one day I told him everything about the latest happenings in my life. He didn’t say anything…..no words to soothe you! Just nothing! But he just kept his hand on my head. I love when others keep their hands on my head. I felt so weak and felt how much still I need care and support of someone. I still haven’t grown-up to face everything alone what my life has to offer. I just wanted to hug him there only, on the road and wanted to cry on his shoulder. But I saw the space that time has created. And I continued to walk like a programmed robot.

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A thought……

Sometime I just wish that I would have told everything about my life to everyone and I would have enough strength not to repent later for what all I did.

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Smile of the sky :)

Even if I can never able to see what your eyes say

but I can feel that your smile says everything

telling me how special I am in your life

Isn’t it?

Pic taken from my PG….. today’s moon!

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YOUR STEPS

i have always seen

our footsteps marked on sand

with rusted sunset holding our breath.

and now

when i go alone on that seashore

i always find your footmarks

on turning back

those tidal waves still caress them

as if you are their child

or may be they have their own way

of remembering who once stepped with them.

in same need as God of love

i also want to lay my steps

on those marked steps of yours

but every time those tidal waves

throw me high up in the air

where my heart chokes

with thoughts of meeting the horizon

……may be i was an unwelcome guest in your life

or……may be welcomed one but I overstayed

Sometimes i wonder

what if i again see you somewhere

in that shade of rusted sunset!

will then we still be presuming

being ‘US’ is a mistake

or we would have accepted

it doesn’t matter to our lives!

….but tell me once

which is more worse?

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When I closed my eyes yesterday night, some hazel dreams started dancing in the deep darkness in-front of my eyes. But all I could see were those murky dreams that were just randomly jumping rather than dancing with those mesmerizing steps. And then with all my strength I tried to clear this smoggy scene and at the end all I could see were zillion twinkling dots telling me to shape my dream. I took one dot, joined it to another and then to another and then to another……..
Many painted dreams now invisibly rest besides me. And today when I tried to admire them, all I could feel and see is that they are not fitting in the space. I don’t know what this space is all about. May be it is all that my heart can think of, may be it is all that my eyes can see, may be it is all those emotions that I can feel or may be it is just a reflection of some fanatical dreams on a thin ice. I am clueless! And today only I got to read this message for me…..
“… that when you pursue your dreams, every second is an encounter with God. Following your dreams opens your heart allowing God to enter and fill you with bliss.”
I am here now with my dreams, struggling hard to fit them into my defined space. Many have been crippled and few have been smashed in this trial. I don’t know where God will enter and if He can fill cracks with his bliss. Just with a hope…..Amen!

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Realizations….

  • I always believed that communication is the most vital part of any relationship. Well, it seems sometimes we share so much with someone but something from no-where always creeps-in creating a wall between the two. And sometimes even when the two communicates like anything, some words still remain unspoken creating a wall. I realized I am still bad in expressing myself to others.
  • You can’t have any relationship without limits. I thought I could have and then a try to have one, made the relationship to move away from my life.
  • Relationship is still the most difficult subject to think upon. I really don’t want to think!!
  • I realized the new changed me. Earlier Neilina who always wanted someone by her side now loves to live alone. She doesn’t believe now in soulmates.  I was surprised by myself only as to how I started accepting all the things coming in my life.
  • Facebook is addictive than orkut. And now it is happening, that I am not opening my orkut account for many days.
  • My cooking is not so bad 🙂 I have started liking my own dishes even when others are still giving me rank of 4 or 5.
  • And I want to thanks from deep of my heart to Rambler and BlueMist who are there with me since the time I started my blog on wordpress. Thanks Guys!

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